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This weekend was a looonnnggg one.  One full of frustration, irritability so high I almost kicked myself in the shins a couple of times.

I realized that none of my summer clothes fit me from last year.  Yes, I've gained THAT much weight.  I was mumbling around the house all day, and my amazing husband knew something was wrong.  He sat me down in front of him and looked me in the eyes, and said "why are you so upset today".  And so the tears began, with my trying to blurt out.....

"I'm trying to pack and get all my clothes organized for our trip next weekend and I don't know where any of my summer clothes are and even if I did they won't fucking fit me cause I've gained the 24 lbs back that I lost last summer and I feel fat and gross and I just want to crawl back to bed and cry and I really need to get new clothes for our trip next week or i'll be living in my mommy-style one-piece bathing suit all week and I don't think the a-la carte restaurants would allow that since they have a dress code and I just need to go to Walmart to grab a couple of cheap t-shirts and maybe one or two pairs of capri's or shorts, you know cheap so I won't spend alot I promise it's just to get me through until I can lose this 24 lbs again"


And with that my amazing husband pushed me out the door to go shopping.

Score.  Five t-shirts, 2 pairs of capri's and a dress.  All for about $100.  Thank you WalMart.

enough

I stepped on the scale this morning for the 1st time in over 3 months.  I'm back to my original weight when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly one year ago today.  239 lbs.  I was 241 lbs when I started last year.

I lost 24 lbs last year on the plan.  It worked for me.  I just honestly let myself go.  I quit to easily.  Winter was hard, winter was busy, there are no real excuses other than I got lazy.

Losing weight isn't my only issue.  I eat like crap, I don't exercise, and I'm smoking again.  These are my three vices, and I need to fix them.  Soon.  For my sake, for my kid's sake, for my families sake.  I just don't know where to begin.

We're going away on vacation next week to a tropical paradise.  I'm going to take that week to just live and have fun and not worry about it, but when I get back, i'm buying patches again to get me to quit smoking, i'm vowing to eat right again, and I have to start exercising.  I'll start slowly, and try not to guilt myself too much as I know I can't expect it all to happen immediately overnight, but I have to start somewhere right?

I can do this.  I will do this.

Effective Breakfasts

I downloaded this pretty cool workbook from the Create As Folk site, entitled "Roadmap to Action" and I can honestly say it really makes you look at things differently.

The workbook is meant as a guide to assist you in organizing your thoughts around a business idea, however there is a portion of it that I find is very helpful in assisting me on almost a daily basis.   A portion of the workbook asked you to write down what makes you more effective on a daily basis, and you then compare it to what makes you ineffective on a daily basis.  It's one thing when you apply this to a small business, but when I apply this to my personal life, it kinda looks like this......

Yesterday was a hairy day.  I skipped breakfast, had way too much coffee, grabbed a HUGE stupid carb-heavy lunch at 1130am and literally fell asleep at my desk at 130pm in the afternoon.  I grabbed another coffee to recharge, and when I left the office at the end of the day I swear I could of had another nap.  For like at least a half hour.

And a day last week, which was much better.  I had a proper breakfast (cheerios with bananas and milk), a decent amount of coffee, and healthy lunch only consisting of a handful of carbs  (chicken salad on a spinish wrap with tons of veggies) but lots of protein and I feel freakin fantastic all day.

So can someone please tell what the hell makes me be so fucking lazy in the mornings that I skip breakfast almost daily, and almost intentionally?  Am I doing this to give myself an excuse to totally pig out at lunch time?  Am I punishing myself on purpose subconsciously?  WTF!!!  It's not like I don't have time to make myself breakfast, shit i'm typing this at 630am on a freakin Wednesday and i've been up for an hour already.  Ask me what i've eaten today so far?  NOTHING!!!  But i'm on my second coffee.  Coffee rules yo. 

OBVIOUSLY WHEN I EAT PROPERLY I FEEL BETTER AND PERFORM BETTER IN MY DAILY TASKS SO WHY AM I CONSTANTLY SABOTAGING MYSELF EVERY DAY BY NOT HAVE BREAKFAST THUS LEADING TO A DAY FILLED WITH BAD CARBS AND CAT-NAPS.

SOMEBODY?  ANYBODY?  Seriously this is a million dollar question.

negativity

Yes, I know i'm quite negative about myself and my body-image, but I can't help it.  I don't feel "healthy" and I don't think I look "healthy" either.  My doctor is forever on my ass about losing weight, and yes I know I should for health reason's, but honestly, i'd be perfectly happy if I could look good, and feel good in my own skin, whatever that weight may be.

I know i'll never look like this:

But i'd be perfectly happy if I looked like this:

Lunch

2 large pasta salad's
chicken salad wrap with lettuce, tomato and cucumber
small bag of Frito's BBQ Rings
small bag of Hostess Munchies snack mix
coffee...coffee...coffee...coffee...
oh yeah, and a caffeine free diet Coke.

It's no wonder i'm falling asleep at my freakin' desk today.

I feel like shit.  Absolute shit.  And I don't know what to do about it.  All I want to do is eat.  And eat and eat.

We had to do a quick dinner last night due to time constraints so McDonald's was our option, I swear I could of eaten 6 big mac's.

No idea why I feel like this, I just do.

It doesn't help that we're going on a beach vacation in 2 1/2 weeks for a wedding.  I'll be surrounded in skinny people in bikini's half my age likely.

Depressing.  Yet all I want to do is eat more.  Like I don't care.

Maybe it's time I kicked my carb habit.  Not to mention the copious amounts of caffeine and diet coke that i'm consuming.

I was doing so well last summer when I joined Weight Watchers.  I lost 24 lbs and felt fantastic.  Then winter came and I hibernated.  And Ate.  And ate.

And the 24 lbs are back, likely more.  I wouldn't really know as I haven't stepped on my scale in like 2 months cause i'm totally chicken shit.